Babies are fascinating for all kinds of reasons, none more prevalent than the fact that they can’t tell us what they’re thinking. When my daughter learns to speak, I’m pretty sure she’ll have some direct feedback about they way things go down at our house, and what she wishes I would do differently. Like, for example, when I forgo heating her bottles, inflicting a gnarly baby head rush with cold milk. She’d also probably let me know that all kinds of things I do every day are completely creepy from her perspective. Here are all the ways I’m confident I creep her out on the daily.
1. I watch her sleep. All the time. I know video monitors are common, but imagine trying to fall asleep knowing you were being watched from afar.
2. I have a legitimate desire to eat her cheeks and toes. In fact, I refer to them as edible when I describe her. I read there’s actual science behind this maternal desire, but that doesn’t make it seem any better!
3. I have an innate interest in her poop. Frequency, color, you name it.
4. I take pictures and videos of her obsessively. I have archives of images and video footage and it’s only been six months. You know in crime shows when the crazed serial killer has a massive wall collage of photos of their victim? That could be me, only in an adoring sense. And don’t get me started on the absurd noises I use to make her smiles for said photos.
5. I don’t always have the energy to shower. For this I know she judges me. I would be appalled if my caretaker neglected to bathe.
6. I taste-test all baby food before giving it to her. Come one, I know I’m not alone here. If I”m splurging for organic, I want to know it’s good.
7. Mom refers to herself in the third person.
8. Her carseat is rear-facing, so I have a mirror on the back-seat headrest so I can see her while I drive.
9. I choose her outfits based on my own moods. A case of the Mondays usually means we trend toward grays, whereas Fridays are bright and saucy wardrobe days.
10. I speak on her behalf and make up complete nonsense. This would piss me off beyond belief if roles were reversed. “Mom’s a little fussy wussy today because she’s just sooo sleepy. She really needs a nap. I also think she needs to poop.”