A Serious Interview with my 14-Week-Old Baby

Reporter: So, Lila, we hear things have been a real whirlwind lately–what, with starting daycare and the introduction of a humidifier to your nursery. Tell us, how are you staying sane amid all this chaos?

Lila: Well, it hasn’t been easy, I can tell you that much. Daycare requires me to wake up AND be mildly presentable at an ungodly hour, five days a week. And my glorious feeding-on-demand days seem to have transformed into an absurd sequence I’ve heard the tall people refer to as a “schedule.” The humidifier? It helps with my boogers, but I’m wary of the glow it casts across my room at night.

Reporter: With cooler temps across the country, how are you feeling about your wardrobe?

Lila: Ooh, you know me, I love a range of options. But who am I kidding…I throw up on everything I wear, so my preference is for absorbent fabrics like cotton. I’ve also recently begun to wear “pants” — they’re snuggly, which I love, but prolong diaper changes which makes me question their usefulness. Oh! I almost forgot about bibs. LOVE them. It’s like a fun superhero cape that also catches spit up.

Reporter: Any recent milestones you’re comfortable sharing?

Lila: I mean this in the most humble way possible, but I’ve become kind of a badass when it comes to keeping a paci in my mouth. I’ve also been experimenting with actually keeping my socks on for more than a few minutes at a time before kicking them off.

Reporter: Our real estate fans will want to know, how are you enjoying your Pack N Play?

Lila: (Laughs) That thing? It’s alright I guess. My parents are convinced it’s this miraculous haven for me, but the joke’s on them…I only tolerate it because I can see the tv from one angle. I’d be just as happy in a cardboard box as long as someone swaddled me.

Reporter: Any special recipes you’ll be testing this Thanksgiving?

Lila: I’m fairly jazzed about a pumpkin-spice flavor of formula I’ve heard about. My only experience with a pumpkin thus far was when my parents propped me up next to one for a Halloween photo (MAN, did I scream!), so this seems like a better option.

Reporter: What trends do you predict will be big among babies in 2015?

Lila: Pastel onesies. Hooded bath towels. Brunch.

Reporter: One last question: what’s something no one knows about you?

Lila: (Grins) I poop in the tub.


8 thoughts on “A Serious Interview with my 14-Week-Old Baby

  1. This is hilarious! I also put a humidifier in Esmé’s room but I safety-pinned a dark hand towel around it so it didn’t cast a bright light in her room. You should try it! We haven’t had any problems with ours like that 🙂

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