Life Explained

…Another post written in total darkness in the nursery, a baby FINALLY asleep in my lap after defying slumber all day. The irony in how badly she doesn’t want to sleep, and how badly I do want to sleep, is not lost. I’m told I was a very calm baby, so I’m not sure why karma felt the need to punk us…

I can hardly concentrate on typing because the sound machine app on my phone is blasting soothing rain sounds at max volume. This is not soothing to me…it sounds like I’m sitting in a typhoon…but it creates baby zen. Whatever it takes, right? Jim brought me a glass of wine a few minutes ago so I’m fairly content although unable to move an inch without awakening the beast.

Yes, the (adorable) beast is my daughter.

Moments like this make me so grateful for smartphones and social media. Most days I feel confined to the nursery in endless attempts to woo this munchkin to sleep, and it’s isolating. And mind numbing. My phone provides an outlet and a way to connect with friends and family while stationary and silent. It’s also how I keep my brain cells alive, reading and playing games when I need a way to stay awake.

Since Lila was born I’ve thought more and more about what it means to be present and mindful. Babies have a way of forcing you into the present, no matter what you’d rather be doing or thinking about. This is something I’ve always struggled with. Being here, in the moment. It’s scary for me to have to abandon all the things I want to be doing and paying attention to and I feel a little lost at times, but it’s also exhilarating to suddenly realize I don’t know what day or time it is, and that it doesn’t even matter. I’m taking this experience one day at a time — hell, one second at a time — and I think it’s a valuable experience, even though it’s painful. All my tendencies to plan and control are evaporating into hilarious memories and I’m learning to focus on what’s in front of me.

My last blog post generated an overwhelming amount of support and advice that was so meaningful and appreciated. Thank you to everyone for your sympathy, suggestions and offers to help. It’s reassuring to know others have navigated this path before me and survived!


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