adventures in babysitting

I was warned that becoming a mom would involve all kinds of new experiences. Some are amazing. Others are humbling. A few highlights:

1. Using my iPhone flashlight to peek into a diaper at night to check for poop.

2. Using a cocktail muddler to push the air out of baby bottle liners.

3. The realization that I haven’t gotten gas in six weeks and still have half a tank.

4. Having friends come over with their babies and watching us all react like trained canines any time we heard a cry, until we identified the source.

5. Being projectile vomited on, and being too tired to disrupt a feeding to clean off.

6. Being pooped on, and being too tired to disrupt a feeding to clean off.

7. Playing mind games with myself to maintain sanity while rocking baby for hours on end. Count backwards from 500 by 6’s…name a restaurant that starts with every letter of the alphabet…

8. Sharing text and Facebook conversations with other new moms, at all hours of the day and night, that could legitimately be published as: A) sitcom scripts, or B) birth control manuals for teens.

9. Tasting baby formula. From a baby bottle. It’s a long story.

10. Going to bed on the floor of the nursery, under a swaddling blanket and with my head on a nursing pillow, because it was unfathomable to walk 20 feet to the bedroom.

11. Realizing half my vocabulary now consists of bizarre, nonsensical words: bumbo, boba, moby, boppy, swaddle, podster, paci…

12. Spending a considerable amount of time contemplating which pajamas to wear each day, only to resign myself to the fact that I’ll be covered in spit up momentarily and it’s really irrelevant.

13. Getting six hours of sleep and feeling like a complete superhero.

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