And then I broke my new year’s resolution.

I rarely post without editing, but this one’s going live without a second look. Buckle up.

My 2013 new year’s resolution was to always choose generosity. And by always, I mean every freaking time a group or cause asked for a donation, I was the eager beaver saying yes.

I’ve said yes a lot over the past 11 months, and while unnatural at first, now it feels really good. I like who it’s made me become.

It makes someone’s day to hear a positive response after dozens of negative ones. Peoples eyes light up when you agree to support a cause they’re passionate about. Try it and you’ll thank me; pretty much makes you a modern-day Robin Hood.

Homeless pets? OF COURSE I’d like to help save them. Candy bars for the troops? COUNT ME IN. Donations for juvenile diabetes? MY PLEASURE.

I said yes every single time I was asked to help out with a charitable cause (to the best of my memory), regardless of whether it was a convenient time, something I felt closely aligned to or how I was approached. I’ve donated by text message, through Facebook and by PayPal. I’ve purchased things from kids outside grocery stores and given whatever I could spare from my wallet (or abyss of a backseat) to homeless folks and lackluster counter-top collection jars.

Sometimes I said yes even when I really didn’t want to (my credit card bill astounds me sometimes), or when it seemed excessive (come on, I donated to three other people this week). I said yes to all kinds of projects, even when I wondered where my money was actually going, when there were no 501(c)3 tax receipts and when I sensed that my money was a mere drop in the bucket for an agency that already had plenty of support.

Let me tell you, those dollar add-ons that pop up when you’re checking out at a retail cash register are pure genius. Round of applause to whoever designed that system because it is now one of my favorite things. Actually, I think that in addition to soliciting donations, these systems could be used for public interest surveys (What color are your socks today? Who is your celebrity write-in candidate for President?).

Anyway, here we are near the end of the year, and I’m feeling pretty good about my moral fiber. Is my chest puffed out? Perhaps a smidge.

In total I’ve probably given a few hundred bucks and a dumpster’s worth of old clothes and household items away and to be honest, I haven’t felt the difference in my bank account at all. It’s not because I’m wealthy…if I stopped to tally it all and saw what I might’ve done with the money (car payment, plane ticket, etc), I might feel remorseful for a minute or two. But I’m not going to do that and that’s not the point, anyway. If you wait until you’re ‘ready’ to donate, you’ll never be ready. It ties back to what I wrote a year ago:

I’m not spending a ton of money doing this. It’s $1 to $20 at a time, which is (sadly – but honestly) the amount I spend on trivial things everyday. There’s no way to determine if any of the people I’m supporting truly need the money. But who’s to say? My determination is, if they have made the decision to ask me for it, then they need it. More than I do. I love the idea that even on a very, very small scale, I’m bringing some happiness to different people this way. Being the change. Sharing positivity, even if it’s fleeting.

So now what? Well, I broke this resolution last Saturday, right after Thanksgiving of all times, and here’s what went down. An adorable cub scout outside of Lowes asked me to purchase something form his bake sale. I stopped. Froze, really, and walked away mumbling. I snubbed a cute little uniformed kiddo because I am so, so saddened by the policies of BSA. It took until this year – 2013 – for them to temporarily repeal a ban on members based on sexual orientation. And a ban remains – in 2013, mind you – on leaders who are homosexual. I can’t breathe normally when I think about it.

I readily admit I could have and should have handled this situation differently. I threw away an opportunity to turn my negative feelings into a positive moment of dialogue with volunteers on why I think all people deserve equal rights to participate in any outdoorsy woodsman-like activities they choose. I didn’t do that though, I just huffed and walked away. That sucks, but it’s also pushed me to think a lot about whether I’m contradicting my own pledge to generosity by picking and choosing like this. I’m willing to bet there are unethical things and wrongdoing amid the hierarchy of almost every charity…but the difference is that BSA publicly shares their policy of discrimination, and it impacts children. This breaks my heart.

All children, scratch that, all humans deserve safe ways to grow and socialize and learn regardless of sexual orientation, race, age or income class. BSA is an independent organization that I know has done wonderful things for millions of people. But today – right now – it’s making some kids feel less ok about themselves and possibly their parents, teachers or relatives. They’re getting a subtle message that there’s something dangerous or undesirable about these people, and that’s not ok.

I won’t attempt to pretend I know all the history, politics or facts surrounding this situation, but I felt compelled to write this. My point was simply that A) Generosity can be hard, especially when it conflicts your own morals, and B) Kindness and acceptance should always guide us, not fear or hate.


4 thoughts on “And then I broke my new year’s resolution.

  1. Every morning my wife streams our local news, and every morning a BSA commercial comes on featuring cute little guys talking about all the fun stuff they get to do, all the adventures they get to have, etc. And I’m always assailed by the same conflicting emotions you’re talking about. I’ve seen Facebook posts–including one by our one-time ringbearer, who is now approaching adulthood–filled with impassioned, “Christian” pleas to BSA higher-ups to stand firm on their principle of discrimination, couched in unthinking language of “godly love” and “commitment to Christian morals.” It makes me sad to think that there are young men out there whose confusion between love, civic duty, and prejudice is being constantly reinforced by one of the most important institutions in their lives (two, if you count the churches that put these ideas in their heads in the first place).

    Sorry for the crazy long comment. All this to say, I understand the conflict, and I wish I knew myself how to sort these things out…

    1. I really appreciate your thoughts and agree. It’s so strange to me that the guiding principles we learn as children are often forgotten as we become adults…thanks for reading and the comment!

  2. Tough call. I love that resolution of yours. Was he selling popcorn? Or do you know about how much you would have spent? Reason I ask is that there are other similar organizations, specific for male youths, and even GSA I believe, who have no issues with homosexual members/leaders. So maybe donate to them? It would still be doing a charitable act and one that it geared toward a similar charity, but not have the same moral complications.

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