pizza & drugs

It happened last night. I was bound and determined to: A) use a greenopolis coupon, and B) eat pizza. So I placed an order at Pizza Heaven. It’s a great neighborhood place that even touts gluten-free — for those averse to wheat and the gang.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I was a bit alarmed. There were no empty parking spots. Fortunately, a woman leaving waved at me as she walked to her car. In my mind this meant, “Panic not pizza friend – I will relinquish my spot to you.”

I was wrong.

Her frantic waving and honking at me as I tried to take her spot caused me to pause.

What the F, lady? I need me some pizza.

I rolled down my window and waited as she made three attempts to roll down the correct window in her car. And this is how our conversation unfolded:

Lady: They’re closed!

Me: What?

Lady: Yeah, they just closed. They’re in trouble. I’d get out of here.

Me: What? They what? Wait, who?

Lady: You should leave.

Me: Ok, I guess I’ll leave.

So I got freaked out that there was some sort of government raid or vandalism or hold-up inside. I fled the scene and started driving home to the melody of sad hunger pangs in my stomach.

About 45 seconds later, logic struck in.

Why the hell did a random woman just tell me to leave a restaurant in a good area with a full parking lot. This is insane.

I pulled over and turned around and called the restaurant.

Me: Hi, are you guys open?

Teenager on phone: Yeah

Me: Like, you’re really open. Right now?

Teenager: Yeah.

Me: KThanksBye

I drove back, parked and walked in. My pizza was ready, my coupon was accepted and I thought the whole thing may have been a vivid daydream until the clerk asked if I was the girl who just called “to see if we’re open.”

Busted.

I told them the whole story. And they told me that the panicked woman is a heavy drug user who often wanders through their place, demanding there are undercover cops everywhere. I asked if they call the police and they said no, she’s pretty harmless.

Yeah, except that she literally drives away customers.

Can’t make this stuff up.

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