I stole an idea from my brother and gave all my friends an assignment this Thanksgiving. I wanted everyone to keep an ear out for any obscene or unusual one-liners spoken by the people they were celebrating with, and to then e-mail them to me.
I had an overwhelming outpouring of submissions, and have to share a portion of them. Please note these comments are taken completely out of context, so no judgment shall be passed on these poor saps who we’re now exploiting.
“Wait, so all female chickens lay eggs?” “Yes, and all female humans.”
“How come when she talks about pigeons it’s cool but not when i talk about goats?” “Because she never cut a pigeon’s balls off.”
“I’m just giving the turkey a douche.”
“I feel like I’m holding a cold pooch.”
“He just gets a look in his eye, I can’t describe it. It’s only every few days that I’ll catch it and it’s much easier for both of us. No pressure for him.”
“I want to regurgitate every time I think about the fact that my mom made salmon loaf.”
“Don’t those gay men like the theater and stuff like that?”
“Lady Gaga is a man…he would love to help stuff this turkey.”
“I have uncomfortable shoes.”
“I used to think I was a conservative until I started conting up how many sexual partners I’ve had.”
So, just in case you thought you had an especially awkward or inappropriate family, just remember the majority of us are in the same boat. Thanks everybody for participating – round two starts this Christmas Eve.