CRAP in my coche

If asked to air a fatal flaw, I would readily admit my completely lacking ability to keep my car clean. I panic when I have a meeting where carpooling is involved, because if I’m asked to drive it’s going to be more than a little awkward.

I love my car, and generally am a pretty neat person, but my car somehow always seems to serve as a receptacle for everything in transit in my life. And cleaning it is typically at the very bottom of the priority list.

I happened to look around today, and had to laugh at the truly maddening combination of CRAP in my coche. Let’s discuss:

  1. A 12″ x 18″ glittery sign that daycare made for Lila’s first birthday last week. Falls under: “I really should be sentimental and save this,” and “This thing is huge and sweating glitter EVERYWHERE.”
  2. Four tupperware containers. None stank, thankfully, but gross nonetheless.
  3. An unopened package of Dr. Brown’s stage 2 nipples. No idea.
  4. Copies of Lean In and The Five Love Languages. To freak out valets.
  5. Six tumbler cups I bought as gifts that have yet to be delivered. Sigh.
  6. A cardigan we had to use to clean up a baby mess [insert questionable bodily fluid] and I forgot to wash.
  7. An iPad cover. Note: I do not have an iPad.
  8. A stuffed rabbit and a wooden penguin. Jealous yet?
  9. 45 Bed Bath and Beyond coupons. Yes, yes, they’re good at Buy Buy Baby, even when expired, but why are they so HUGE?
  10. Cheerios. Everywhere.

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Some favorite things:

1. Reusable straws. I got a 6-pack for $5 on Amazon after realizing how many disposable ones we were going through. I always prefer to drink from a straw and these are durable and dishwasher safe. And pretty.


2. Everyday Shea Vanilla Mint body wash. On sale for $8 at Sprouts and has the most refreshing scent for summer.


3. Essential Oils diffuser. I pretty much always have candles burning, but this allows me to get a great scent into our home with different healing properties, depending on which oils you choose to use. Peppermint is my favorite so far.  
4. The human equivalent of a dog crate seems to be a play yard. We needed a place where Lila could safely play while we get ready for work, and this seems to suit her just fine in small doses.   5. Chocolate Vegan shakeology. I used to be loyal to vanilla, but wanted to try a formulation without dairy (whey), and this flavor and consistency amazes me. It’s the healthiest form of dessert around. I am a Beachbody coach and sell Shakeology, so let me know if you’d like more information. 

6. Hoola. Not a new find, I’ve used it for a decade, but an unwavering favorite product. Works as all-over powder or bronzer and a box lasts forever.  
7. Resistance bands. These are cheap at any athletic store, or Target, and a great way to change up workouts. I used to use these all the time and recently started again. Using a band creates constant resistance in all directions, activating more muscles and in new ways.  

10 Valid Reasons the Baby Thinks I’m a Creep

Babies are fascinating for all kinds of reasons, none more prevalent than the fact that they can’t tell us what they’re thinking. When my daughter learns to speak, I’m pretty sure she’ll have some direct feedback about they way things go down at our house, and what she wishes I would do differently. Like, for example, when I forgo heating her bottles, inflicting a gnarly baby head rush with cold milk. She’d also probably let me know that all kinds of things I do every day are completely creepy from her perspective. Here are all the ways I’m confident I creep her out on the daily.

1. I watch her sleep. All the time. I know video monitors are common, but imagine trying to fall asleep knowing you were being watched from afar.

2. I have a legitimate desire to eat her cheeks and toes. In fact, I refer to them as edible when I describe her. I read there’s actual science behind this maternal desire, but that doesn’t make it seem any better!

3. I have an innate interest in her poop. Frequency, color, you name it. 

4. I take pictures and videos of her obsessively. I have archives of images and video footage and it’s only been six months. You know in crime shows when the crazed serial killer has a massive wall collage of photos of their victim? That could be me, only in an adoring sense. And don’t get me started on the absurd noises I use to make her smiles for said photos.

5. I don’t always have the energy to shower. For this I know she judges me. I would be appalled if my caretaker neglected to bathe.

6. I taste-test all baby food before giving it to her. Come one, I know I’m not alone here. If I”m splurging for organic, I want to know it’s good.

7. Mom refers to herself in the third person.

8. Her carseat is rear-facing, so I have a mirror on the back-seat headrest so I can see her while I drive. 

9. I choose her outfits based on my own moods. A case of the Mondays usually means we trend toward grays, whereas Fridays are bright and saucy wardrobe days.

10. I speak on her behalf and make up complete nonsense. This would piss me off beyond belief if roles were reversed. “Mom’s a little fussy wussy today because she’s just sooo sleepy. She really needs a nap. I also think she needs to poop.”

10 Things I’ll Feel Ridiculous Explaining One Day

You think about this more when you have kids. You realize you’ll one day receive the same looks of wide-eyed shock you gave your own parents when they explained party lines, black-and-white television and smoking on airplanes.

1. Using a camera with film. Waiting for said film to be developed. At a store. Splurging for one-hour service.

2. Prank phone calls. Having a landline. Not having caller ID. Paying 75 cents to use *69.

3. Renting movies. VHS tapes. Having to (be kind and) rewind them or be fined.

4. Making mix tapes from the radio. Buying CDs in stores. Scratched discs (the horror).

5. Newspapers. For current events. Checking the weather. Stocks.

6. Writing checks. Traveler’s checks. Check registers.

7. Getting lost. Stopping at a gas station to ask for directions. Using a paper map.

8. Pay phones. Collect calls. Calling cards.

9. Roll-over minutes. Flip phones. Car phones. Pagers.

10. The TV Guide channel. The paper TV guide. Having to be home to watch your shows, with commercials.

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Favorite Baby Products

As a new parent, it’s amazing HOW MUCH STUFF you amass. It’s everywhere. We’ve been overtaken. Even with a surplus of guidance, we still ended up with lots of things we never used and others we’d gladly stockpile. Babies are all unique, and I know this list varies for each family, but several friends who are expecting have asked for my must-haves. Here are some favorites, bearing in mind that none of this is actually required, but all of it is majorly helpful. And I’m sure I’ll have an entirely new list in another few months.

Life Savers:

Summer SwaddleMe blankets: Once you learn about the Moro Reflex, you, too, will savor these blankets which are basically baby straight jackets. Turns out velcro is all you need to keep your infant from smacking herself in the face and waking up every three minutes while sleeping.

MAM pacifiers: These are the only ones Lila likes and are unique in that they come in a special mini size for newborns, where most brands only offer 0-3 months or 3+ months. They also come in glow-in-the-dark styles which makes them automatically cooler.

Mobi Wallmate: An automatic night light is something I bought on a whim because it was on clearance, and am thankful for every day. With a baby, your hands are always full, and you spend a lot of time looking for things in the dark.

Rock ‘n Play Sleeper: Oh man. Can’t rave about this one enough. It has been our saving grace for a baby with reflux and where she still sleeps for the most part, at five months.

Nose Frida the Snot Sucker: Bless you, crazy Swedish product engineers. This thing is so gross and utterly ingenious.

Dohm sound machine: Experts say that the noise level in the womb is as loud as a vacuum cleaner, so babies are–understandably–a little freaked out by silence. This thing is the best. Not only does it offer steady white noise to help lull baby to sleep, it really effectively drowns out other noises so you can actually do things around the house. People will tell you not to tiptoe around your sleeping baby, so that she learns not to be a light sleeper, but when you haven’t slept longer than an hour in three weeks, this thing will be your best friend.

Boba: Babywearing is great for baby and convenient for parents. It allows you to do all kinds of important things, like eat and get the mail without an international incident. I chose this carrier on a friend’s recommendation but I know people love the Ergo and Moby as well.

Whale of a Tub: Bath time is a nightly ritual. In fact, for a period of early weeks, it was the only place Lila didn’t cry during the day. We took LOTS of baths.

Gas drops – any brand: Believe it or not, baby farts are kind of cute…but they’re also painful for little tummies, and that means crying. And crying. And more crying. We would buy these by the keg if it was possible.

Boppy changing pad liners: Blow outs happen. These make them less offensive to clean up.

Munchkin formula dispenser: So that leaving the house is a possibility.

Boon Lawn drying rack: Just yes.

Newborn side-snap t-shirts: My mom got us some of these and they’re the best for brand new babes. They’re soft, easy to put on a blob-like newborn and don’t interfere with a healing umbilical cord like a onesie can.

Other things:

PJs that zip > PJs with snaps.

Receiving blankets make great burp cloths.

You won’t need many newborn clothes if you have a summer baby (or a whenever baby if you’re in AZ).

Buy diaper cream, nose saline drops and probiotics.

Mercury = bad. Get a digital thermometer.

Try to avoid bath products or lotions with dyes or scents. baby_items_44007882

When you cancel cable:

1. You gleefully exclaim, “Well, guess we’ll HAVE to re-watch every episode of Parks and Recreation on Netflix!”

2. There’s a lot more video game playing by one third of this household. Hint: it’s not me or Lila.

3. I’m much closer to finishing a book than I was a week ago.

4. I wonder, daily, what the ratio is of homeowners on HGTV who are deciding to Love It or List It.

5. My love/hate relationship with the Duggars is cooling off. (I know. I KNOW.)

6. We’ve received many clingy-ex emails and postcards from DirectTV. They want us back so bad.

7. We’ve discovered fun new Pandora stations. One hip hop selection so inappropriate we couldn’t make eye contact.

8. The dogs are oblivious.

9. The baby is oblivious.

10. I know with complete certainty that none of my actions are directly or indirectly supporting the Kardashians.

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6 things

1. Last week I started drinking unfiltered apple cider vinegar in a glass of water every day. Because it’s supposed to boost your immune system and help your body eliminate illnesses. Also, it’s disgusting.

2. My dining habits leave little to the imagination. Last night I made chicken stroganoff for dinner. Tonight I had olives, chips and salsa and M&Ms.

3. When I was super sick last month, one doctor suspected I had mono, you know, because I’m 15. So he did a blood test and the results showed that I didn’t have it, but had it at some point in the past. Yep. I had mono and missed it.

4. I just scrolled through my google search history and the following items appeared, none of which I remember looking up: Randy Johnson, ketchup humor, infant chin rash, Ross Dress for Less, definition of malleable, antipodean and Mark Cuban.

5. Revelation: baby toys are the exact same thing as dog toys, but three times the cost. That being said, the baby is as amused with a plastic bottle as she is with any expensive toy.

6. A very sweet friend sent me a car seat adapter for our BOB. I can now safely race* through the streets of Phoenix with my infant! This is most exciting because the weather is perfect right now and will be hot again by the time Lila’s big enough for it (sans adapter)…and it’s been giving me judgmental looks for weeks while sitting stagnant.

*jog slowly

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