That Time I was Blissfully Ignorant about Maternity Leave

I don’t know that I’ve ever been more wrong about anything. Let’s laugh and sob as we review my naïveté:

1. It will be a nice break from work. I mean yeah, I don’t miss conference calls, commuting or having to dress up everyday, but this isn’t quite the vacation I imagined. Because now I work 20 hours a day, without pay, while being covered in vomit and poop.

2. It’ll be easy to get out with the baby. Except that it first involves packing for approximately two hours, changing the baby five times (who undoubtedly will throw up on herself while being changed), folding up the stroller using magic origami and using ninja skills to get it in the car, all while attempting to not get covered in baby puke as you execute prior steps.

3. I won’t need that much help. Unless you count always and all the time. I want help 24 hours a day. I want help for my help. I want constant assistance in all things.

4. I’ll fall in love with the baby immediately. I mean yes, there is an instant and inexplicable bond, and an awe-inspiring sense of wonder, but I think the real love comes a bit more gradually, as the terror subsides and you get to know the baby. It’s in full force now, and grows every hour, but the first few days and weeks were so ridiculously hard, that I think I felt the full spectrum of every emotion from love to hate to insanity.

5. Post-partum depression and emotions won’t be a big deal. Unless you consider debilitating sadness and despair easy to handle on no sleep.

6. The fatigue isn’t as bad as people say. No, it’s WORSE. As my brother reminds me, sleep deprivation is a form of torture for suspected terrorists. So, no biggie. You’ll just LOSE YOUR MIND.

7. I’ll be ready to go back to work. See #s 5 and 6.

8. It’ll be easy to get back in shape since I’m not working. Not only is there no time, there’s no energy or desire. I’ve been a fitness addict most of my adult life, which makes it even more alarming that I could not care less about it right now. I have zero desire to exercise, and if I did, I wouldn’t have the time or energy to do so.

9. I won’t be influenced by things I read online. This one might have stood a chance if there weren’t 20 hours a day spent feeding a baby where your smartphone is your only outlet to the world. Enter Google madness.

10. I will naturally be good at being a mom. Maybe on some levels I am, in that the baby is healthy and thriving (hooray!), but I doubt myself constantly and generally feel like a total mess.

11. Nursing will be magical. It was, and then it wasn’t. And ultimately it wasn’t the best choice for us. And that was a tough pill to swallow, since society kind of shuns formula. I was amazed at how supportive momma friends were about this though, and grateful for that.

12. I won’t rely on other moms for advice because I’ll pave my own way. Let me say this: I wouldn’t have made it without the love, guidance and advice of my friends and family. I mean that wholeheartedly. I am so, SO blessed to have a huge network of helpful moms and dads in my life, who have become the village I so desperately need to raise my daughter. They understand exactly what I’m feeling and fearing at any given time and are constantly offering reassurance. We all wear the same badge of honor and battle scars, forming a critical bond. I’ve also had amazing support from friends who aren’t parents, but still know just the right things to say and the best ways to help me feel better in the toughest moments.

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Getting my learn on.

If you’re getting sick of motherhood posts, you might want to unfollow this blog.

I can’t stop. I won’t stop.

It’s been a huge life change and it’s different every single day. It consumes just about every waking moment in ways that are equal parts fascinating and frustrating. There’s so much I want to remember and reflect on — if only there was time to record it all.

1. Moving into a dorm was tough…getting married was an adjustment…but parenting is the hardest thing ever. I have a newfound respect for everyone I know with children. Add another boatload of credit to anyone with more than one child, a child with special needs or single parents. You are heroes.

2. Babies make marriage different –but not worse. Having a child has given me — no exaggeration — a thousand new ways to love, appreciate and respect my husband, and it’s shown us lots of new ways to work together as a team. This includes everything from tag-team diaper changes and baths to knowing when the other person has hit a wall and stepping in before disaster strikes.

3. Everything changes all at once. Your very existence will be rapidly redefined. I thought nine months of pregnancy prepared me for being a mom but alas, I was blissfully ignorant. Suddenly, none of my decisions can be made independently, and the whole idea of “me time” is redefined as being able to take a shower. And it’s forever.

4. Despite intrinsic tendencies, being a perfectionist is impossible and a waste of time. Same goes for being a control freak. Nothing is ever going to be perfect or under control again, which is surprisingly ok. Rolling with the punches means not batting an eye when your daughter poops in the bathtub for a fourth night in a row, or screams bloody murder at a tailgate party.

5. Thought you already were mature? Oh, no. Babies require you to grow up more and faster than you ever anticipated. For us, this meant big things like buying more life insurance and filing a will, and smaller things like missing a lot of social events and not shopping as often.

6. Friendships change after kids. No way around it. But the strong ones — the ones worth keeping — find a way to adapt and continue, even if it means more time spent texting and less time at happy hours. It’s a sacrifice that’s simultaneously heart breaking and ok.

7. You will question why you did this on a daily basis.

8. You will be humbled and thankful to the point of tears on a daily basis.

9. Small and simple pleasures are increasingly important. Taking a walk, having a glass of wine, vacuuming…everything shifts to keep baby at the center, so that even the smallest things elicit deep gratification.

10. You will have a dumbfounding new respect for your own parents. Oh man. No words.

11. There’s a lot of pressure. Nursing, sleep training, vaccination schedules, milestones. Geesh. Staying true to yourself and knowing your baby are the most important factors, but it’s hard. Outside pressures are intense and all around.

12. Post-partum depression and anxiety are real and they are crippling. I never knew it was possible to feel so horrible. I was terrified and miserable and so fortunate to have had support from my family, friends and doctor. Knowing when to ask for help is the hardest part.

13. Smartphones are life-saving devices. The amount of things I google is absurd. Not to mention I have a way to stay in touch with friends when I’m stuck at home, and can read books or watch tv when I’m being held hostage by a crying baby.

14. Babies are sometimes loud. Really loud. And sometimes they smell and make disturbing noises.

15. Deep breaths and wine are a powerful combination.

16. No one’s ever going to follow your instructions for caring for your baby perfectly. And it will make you batshit crazy. But it will be ok. I think.

17. Everyone will give you advice. Some of it will be really good, life-saving, even. And some of it will make you want to projectile vomit.

18. Speaking of projectile vomit…babies do that. And they poop and pee and drool on you. Best to just get over it and embrace doing laundry as an even greater necessity.

19. Severe fatigue is a funny thing. Your body will astonish you with what it can do on absolutely no sleep, but it will be a painful experience.

20. It’s ok to let people help you and to be bossy about what you need. Ask for food and babysitting and whatever will get you through to the next hour.

21. The connection and support among moms is beautiful. I mean, it takes my breath away when I stop to think of the support and advice I’ve gotten from moms of all ages and walks of life. It’s a silent and unbreakable bond because there’s no stronger connection than the love a parent has for her child.

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Some goodness

So many things are happening that make me want to use exclamation points! I want to remember them all!

1. Arizona now recognizes marriage equality. Finally. My heart is so happy.

2. We got an Honest Company gift certificate from Anna and Josh after her wonderful visit. I’ve always loved this stuff but never wanted to splurge on it. As Anna noted, “Products that are good enough for Jessica Alba are good enough for us.”

3. We survived taking the baby to a brewery event and a tailgate party. Minimal crying. Great teamwork.

4. Ally is about to have a baby! I am WILDLY excited about this!

5. Michelle is coming to visit.

6. Dan is coming to visit.

7. Our new AC was installed and new roof is almost complete after July’s crazy storm damage.

8. Jennelle and I took the kiddos to the zoo. The weather was beautiful and it was an unexpected workout. And we both mastered stroller assembly, so we’re basically certified engineers now.

9. Baby is mostly sleeping through the night. I want to skip through a meadow shouting with glee. Actually sleeping for more than two hours at a time makes me feel like a super hero.

10. I successfully cleaned out the laundry room, which previously looked liked a natural disaster took place within it. It’s much less embarrassing now.

adventures in babysitting

I was warned that becoming a mom would involve all kinds of new experiences. Some are amazing. Others are humbling. A few highlights:

1. Using my iPhone flashlight to peek into a diaper at night to check for poop.

2. Using a cocktail muddler to push the air out of baby bottle liners.

3. The realization that I haven’t gotten gas in six weeks and still have half a tank.

4. Having friends come over with their babies and watching us all react like trained canines any time we heard a cry, until we identified the source.

5. Being projectile vomited on, and being too tired to disrupt a feeding to clean off.

6. Being pooped on, and being too tired to disrupt a feeding to clean off.

7. Playing mind games with myself to maintain sanity while rocking baby for hours on end. Count backwards from 500 by 6’s…name a restaurant that starts with every letter of the alphabet…

8. Sharing text and Facebook conversations with other new moms, at all hours of the day and night, that could legitimately be published as: A) sitcom scripts, or B) birth control manuals for teens.

9. Tasting baby formula. From a baby bottle. It’s a long story.

10. Going to bed on the floor of the nursery, under a swaddling blanket and with my head on a nursing pillow, because it was unfathomable to walk 20 feet to the bedroom.

11. Realizing half my vocabulary now consists of bizarre, nonsensical words: bumbo, boba, moby, boppy, swaddle, podster, paci…

12. Spending a considerable amount of time contemplating which pajamas to wear each day, only to resign myself to the fact that I’ll be covered in spit up momentarily and it’s really irrelevant.

13. Getting six hours of sleep and feeling like a complete superhero.

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things that make me happy

1. Nesting. Jim put the entire nursery together as a surprise. And by that I mean he stayed up til 5 a.m. one night painting, hanging art and curtains and assembling furniture. I had everything ready but didn’t know what I wanted to do with it, and love that his input and thinking created the layout.

2. Endorphins. The guy who scans me in at the gym and always says encouraging things about working out while pregnant. And working out while pregnant makes me feel less round.

3. Cleanliness. Just got our carpets cleaned. It’s the next best thing to new floors and it feels like the whole house had a spa day.

4. Poop. When I called a friend in a crabby mood this week she told me a story about poop to completely distract and entertain me.

5. Thinking in new ways. This article was captivating and made me reevaluate some of the ways I think.

6. Smartphones. For all the bad things we attribute to an addiction to technology, I love how it allows me to stay connected with so many people that are important to me.

7. Take out. Tonight it’s Oregano’s. All the joy of eating out and I can wear pajamas.

8. Anniversaries. Jim proposed four years ago today.

9. Decluttering. I’ve sold a ton of stuff through craigslist and Swip Swap lately and have had surprisingly pleasant experiences. I’m always fascinated by the people who want my stuff and the process feels like community recycling.

10. Drunk History. Watch it. Trust me.

You know you’re Jewish on Christmas…

1. You can hum along with every Christmas carol but can’t recite the words to any of them.

2. You stare in disbelief any time you see someone voluntarily consume eggnog.

3. You find the idea of a stranger sneaking into your house through the chimney to be terrifying, not magical.

4. Elf on the Shelf…What?

5. There are no childhood photos of you screaming bloody murder on  Santa’s lap. I’ve seen dozens of friends post these images of themselves and their kiddos this week, and I can’t say I regret missing this rite of passage.

6. The only holiday movie you’ve seen in its entirety is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

7. You don’t know what the word “yule” means. Yuletide…Yule log…Clueless.

8. You desperately seek plans on December 24th to avoid #FOMO

9. It feels appropriate to crave Chinese food on December 25th.

10. You own Christmas pajamas but have no photos of yourself wearing them.

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Tuesday Confessions

1. Before leaving for work today I had the privilege of cleaning up a double whammy of dog urine AND dog vomit.

2. Last week I asked a delivery man at work to only speak to me in Spanish when he passed by. Today was our second conversation. “It’s all coming back, all coming back to me now” -Celine Dion

3. Everything on Facebook makes me cry lately. What gives. Inspirational stories of goodwill, pets up for adoption, sleep-deprived friends lamenting motherhood…I think it’s the holidays, but I may need to abstain so I can stop snotting all over my computer.

4. I have a knack for catching onto shows way behind everyone else. Usually two to five years behind. But I’m almost current with House of Cards (which is on, like, now), and I like it very much. Makes me miss working in the governor’s office and slightly remorseful that I never used my journalism degree to become an actual journalist.

5. I critique neighborhood Christmas light displays in my head with the intensity of a Romanian gymnastics judge. I have no experience but very competitive standards.

6. My oldest friend Amy lives in LA and lost her cell phone this week. This tragedy has been alleviated through several lengthy, humiliating and hysterical Facebook exchanges that culminated tonight in a photo of the cast of Dawson’s Creek.

7. Three jobs I’d be terribly suited to pursue are cab driver, calculus professor and exterminator. “Plumber,” adds my husband.

8. When I went home for Thanksgiving, I brought back about 120 plastic horses I’d collected as a child, that I’d forgotten about until I realized they’re now selling for a pretty penny on ebay. At the time, taking them from their safe stable at my mom’s seemed like an easy way to make some money, but now, I’m not wildly excited to begin selling and shipping plastic figurines in my spare time. Unfortunately, these giant boxes of horses are taking up a lot of space in the garage. I’m open to suggestions here.

9. Jim and I bought new living room furniture yesterday. I’m 30 and it still feels strange to buy furniture at places other than IKEA or Goodwill.

10. We painted the living room Wheat Bread and the bathroom Grey Goose. Guess we like grains. Draw your own conclusions on where the parties happen.