I am not a huge Halloween person. Mostly because my biggest fear in life is mascots, and people in costumes very closely resemble mascots. And that is terrifying.

I can’t begin to explain the origin of this phobia, but it dates back to 1987 and an awkwardly forced photo with Captain Hook at Disney World. He (or maybe it was Mr. Smee?) scratched me. In hindsight, this was a total accident, but I’ve maintained an intense aversion to all things in costumes.

Anyway, Halloween and I don’t always mesh.

But…

This year I decided that if I bought any costume I wanted, overlooking the obscene prices, perhaps I’d have a better time. And you know what? It worked.

It turns out that when you dress as a penguin, there’s no way you’re having a bad night. No way. Because penguins are happy and they waddle and they’re from the Arctic tundra.

My penguin costume was the most comfortable, warm and (in my opinion) age-appropriate costume I’ve had in years. I refuse to wear anything that girls my age are supposed to wear – those that start with the adjectives sexy or naughty. The beauty of the situation is that I can fit into child-sized costumes, which dramatically broadens the selection of non-naughty apparel.

This is what it looks like when you’re almost 30 and dressed as a penguin, enjoying a dance party with your friends:

I win.