When I don’t write about something it’s because I don’t want to deal with the associated feelings it will cause. I have intentionally not yet written about Auron, because I felt that words could not do justice to the pain I’m feeling. I don’t want to have to fully absorb all the sadness by writing, but I know he deserves the tribute.
He was a truly amazing dog, loyal beyond any other I have known, and so completely loving. Jim raised him from a baby, and they had a bond so strong nothing could come between them. Even on late nights when Auron was exhausted, he would abandon his bed to sit in front of the door to wait for Jim. It didn’t matter if I was home, he would stay at his post until his master arrived. This even happened if Jim was in the bathroom…the dog wouldn’t budge from outside the door until he knew Jim was safe and sound.
Auron would lick everything incessantly: your hands, face, the carpet, his paws…we always joked he had OCD. He was so well behaved, even during bath time when he was miserable, he would sit quietly as I lathered his emasculated self with cherry vanilla shampoo. He did have a propensity for diving into the trash, and once ate about three pounds of jerky from the cabinets, but I can’t blame him, we left it within reach. Auron’s quirks were endless: refusing to eat unless we were home, being obsessed with car rides, squeaking his balls, etc. I’m so glad he had a few chances to come to work with me at PetSmart where he was a perfect gentleman.
Despite reaching middle age with grace, he never lost the puppy mentality and appeal. So much so that people constantly commented on how youthful he acted. His ears made him seem like a cartoon character at times, one went forward, the other went back, like they were controlled by a hidden remote control.
Losing him unexpectedly was horrible. I would never wish that type of situation or the accompanying pain on anyone. I think a part of me is still in shock, and refusing to process the whole truth. I never, ever thought I would be this affected by losing a pet. But things are just different. I miss so many things about his presence, and the way he would always lay at my feet as I was on my laptop on the couch is something I will never forget. I may have been his step pet parent, but I think we had our own special bond.
I think what breaks my heart more than anything is the fact that dogs are the most loyal, trusting creatures in the world. They depend on you to take care of them, and love you unconditionally even when you forget a feeding, or are too lazy for a walk. It hurts to know that we weren’t strong enough to be with him in his final moments, and maybe that was selfish, but maybe it was the right choice. I just feel such guilt like we somehow broke that trust by having to say goodbye. I know we made the right choice, but I wish it was easier to feel confident about it. Somehow, even with the vet’s diagnosis, it still feels like we betrayed our best friend.
I know that in time the pain will subside, and we’ll be able to come to terms with his passing, but as for now, it’s a huge void. Bruno does seem to carry on Auron’s spirit somehow, and I’m so glad they had some time together. The puppy is even carrying on the crazy ear phenomena!
Through all of this I guess I’ve learned that it’s impossible to prepare for the unexpected, and that when it does happen, your family and friends really do provide the support you need to carry on. I feel so lucky to have such a strong support system, and I hope Auron has one in doggy heaven.